We can talk about that goddamn shitty movie Maleficent till the cows come home, go on and on about how stupid it is to make such a simply evil but awesome villain the martyr for no goddamn reason.
But you know what I want?
I want a spinoff of the Beauty and the Beast about the one who cursed Adam (the beast,) the Enchantress.
Because this bitch
This fucking bitch, is possibly as evil, maybe even more evil and sadistic than Maleficent.
The Enchantress cursed the prince because he failed a test, he was unkind to her because she presented herself as an ugly old hag. She turned him into a werewolf minotaur hybrid (fucking cool I’ll give her that,) because he was rude to her and didn’t want her rose.
So she cursed him, along with every single one of his servants. What did his servants have to do with any of this? Why are they being punished?
Not only that, but this stood out to me when I watched the movie again. When the spell is broken, all of the monstrous statues and art pieces transform into graceful, beautiful ones, I’m assuming that’s what they looked like before.
So this enchantress not only cursed him and his servants (oh and his fucking DOG DID I MENTION THAT) she took away every beautiful thing he had, replacing them with things like goblins, dragons, ghouls and other monsters, just to remind him what he was and what she had done to him, and he would have to look at them every single day.
I’m going to rightfully assume she provided the magic mirror as well, all of the magic in the movie stems from her, the mirror most likely came from her. His only window to the outside world is a handheld mirror, so he can fucking look at himself.
But you know what the kicker is?
If we take these two lines into consideration
“The rose, which was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year” ~Narrator
“Ten years we’ve been rusting…” ~ Lumiere
We can reasonably deduce that the Enchantress cursed the prince when he was eleven years old.
I want this filthy green bitch publicly exposed.
Not only did she curse an 11 year old, she cursed an 11 year old PRINCE in the middle of a dark night who refused a stranger shelter because, get this, I’m 20 and if some weird old lady showed up at my door in the middle of he night and was like Yo Can I Sleep Here i would probably just close and lock my door because!!!!
Who is she!!!! I don’t know her!!!! What if she tried to kill me or stole everything!!
This boy is a prince living in a palace of luxury and he was probably given the “don’t talk to strangers” talk by his (dead??) royal parents!! Or at least Mrs. Potts!! He was probably like this lady’s gonna steal our silverware and candle sticks in the middle of the night and all she’s giving me is a rose that was probably picked from our own garden?? Bye lady.
Ok for some god awful reason YouTube recommend this to me.
It’s a surprisingly well edited fan video shipping Jim from Treasure Planet with… I guess both Ariel and her daughter Melody???
The video starts off like it’s Jim x Melody but then the prince cheats on Ariel with Princess Odette from tge Swan Princess???and then he goes to. Brothel made up of Jasmine and Esmeralda and bangs Jessica Rabbit bc she looks like Ariel?????? Then prince Eric murders his wife and child the end.
Ok so let me break this down for you guys.
We begin with our protag, Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet,
arriving on the CGI ship from Frozen to whatever town Ariel and
Prince Eric live in ok whatever.
Good honest Jimmy immediately becomes enthralled by the feminine
wiles of Melody, the 12 year old half mermaid
daughter of Ariel and Eric. Who is 12. Jim is 17.
They have some pleasant chit chat on the beach, as 12 and 17 year
olds tend to do. Then Jim, for some reason, is at the ball (birthday?
saturday night jam session?) for Melody because I guess 12 year olds
have balls in this thriving beach-side society of terrible merpeople
human hybrids. Jim appears smitten, gazing lovingly upon Melody’s
bitchin’ eyebrows. I wish I knew how to fill in my eyebrows that
good.
THIS IS QUICKLY TURNING INTO ROMEO AND JULIET AND I FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE
Ariel, meanwhile, watches a 17 year old space drifter
flirt-bonding with her prepubescent child with the kind of sweet
nostalgic smile only a woman who has felt the touch of an older man
knows. The viewer appears to be only person in this universe feeling
concerned.
BUT WAIT. Trouble in paradise for Ariel as Jim witnesses Prince
Eric and Princess Odette, the vicious homewrecker, from The Swan
Princess(was that disney? i dont think that was disney?) sharing a
romantic moment in a super public place that isn’t very good for
infidelity you wanna keep under wraps.
Mr. Hawkins breaks the news to Ariel, in a tense sea-side moment
wrought with raw emotion and tension.
In a later scene Ariel joins Jim and Melody on the beach, where
she remembers her days as a hot underage mermaid. Jim apparently now
lusts after Ariel? Or did he not lust after Melody in the beginning
and it was suppose to be like a sister-brother kind of situation that
we where looking too much into? Is he in love with both an older
woman and a younger woman that happen to be mother and daughter? I am
still not resolved.
Ok so Jim definitely is in love with Ariel who turns him down,
despite having watched him lovingly from her window in a prior scene.
Jim has only one option…
Go to a brothel! Where Jasmine and Esmeralda are apparently supplementing their incomes with sex
work. Apparently disgusted by their hip swaying Jim’s attention is
drawn to…Jessica Rabbit. Who also lives in Little Mermaid Town
because why not.
ARIEL’S FUCKING FACE SUPERIMPOSED ON JESSICA RABBIT
In a confrontation with Ariel over her supposed flirting with Jim,
despite documented accounts of Eric’s own infidelity with a
human-bird monster, Eric absolutely loses his shit and
attacks Ariel with a fucking sword.
Then orders what I think is the Russian army from Anastasia to
pistol whip his daughter unconscious. I am not sure if Eric
thinks Melody is the hidden daughter of Ariel and Jim, even though
she looks exactly like Eric, or if he’s just totally insane. It’s
never really explained.
Eric has Ariel and his own daughter locked up in the dungeons,
teaching his daughter that if mommy is a dirty flirt you get the
shackles too I guess. Then suddenly I guess a fire starts and shit
get’s real for Ariel and presumably Melody.
Jim Hawkins bravely rushes to the scene, facing the fires to save
his mother daughter love triangle. Only to find that the flames have
claimed their lives and he is too late. There is no word about Eric
or the world-wide war between magical mermaids and humans he’s
started by murdering the youngest daughter of the literal king of the
sea.
Maybe the real treasure was the mermaid love triangle he found along the way.
No you don’t understand okay my husband is in the Navy and he told me stories about doing shit like this. They would just make up their own shit, as long as they were yelling SOMETHING then they didn’t get in trouble, and even the drill instructors would make shit up like this. And they got WEIRD.
